In His hands…

the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences (                 
For in this hope we were saved.
   Now hope that is seen is not hope.
       For who hopes for what he sees?
            But if we hope for what we do not see,
                    we wait for it with patience. –
Romans 8:24-25 
    I find myself reliving the old memories, I would much rather forget. Watching Brett’s Epilepsy get out of control, the medications not stopping the seizures, watching him struggle to do what he would have said was “baby work” two years ago and the fear of what could happen is at times more than I think I can bare.

Yesterday, Brett had a bad. He was eating lunch and his head dropped hitting the counter. Eyes rolled back, drooling, unresponsive for what seemed like an eternity. After a few moments he raised his head looked straight into my eyes until the rolled up and to the right. Both arms started jerking… His eyes came down as he babbled nonsense words lost… completely lost in a seizure…..   
Of course it is not me who should carry this burden, at times it is difficult to put all of this in the Fathers hands and leave it there. It’s more than I can handle and there is nothing I can do to fix it. All I can really do is surrender it to the Father and trust Him and Him alone.
Two more Complex Partial seizures followed, rescue medication given…
I thought he seemed okay three hours later and traveled to town to pick up a few things. In the parking lot a Tonic Clonic occurred… Made it home with my
now wobbly and confused boy… only to see him endure 5 more seizures…

Aftermath… I sit here sometimes and I get so frustrated. Hearing Brynn stomp loudly enjoying the pleasure of making noise, tap with and on just about everything, yelp & bark... I sit frustrated and then I think back, realizing what a battle he has been through. Realizing how blessed we are they he is doing so well. Realizing just how special he really is. It’s hard sometimes to look at this BIG 14 year old boy and accept him where he is. To accept that to him it is perfectly acceptable to get such pleasure from such noise making adventures. I am his Momma and I have to remind myself at times that he may be 150+ pounds and although he has hair on his upper lip, his brain has not caught up with his body. I do worry will someone be able to see him as the beautiful blessing he is, a child at heart when I am gone. I watched him gain and loose so many things over his lifetime. I watched as parts of him slipped away and never returned. I watched his struggle and I fought to keep him, every part of him here with us. I struggle not knowing with every seizure what memories may be lost or what parts of my sweet Brett may return    

Rejoice in hope,
      be patient in tribulation,
             be constant in prayer

-Romans 12:12 

I find myself in struggle between Brett’s now and Brynn’s past.
I struggle because we have been here before. We have seen what can happen. What we are seeing Brett struggle with Epilepsy worse than Brynnon was at this point. Brett was a year ahead in his home schooling, over the last two years he has regressed to struggling to work at grade level. At this moment he is likely almost a year behind in some areas. Brett’s loss of ability is more profound as Brynn was never ahead on anything or even on level. Same age, 9… Same seizure types… Same behavior… It was horrible enough to see it once. My heart breaks even thinking that I am watching it all over again and knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop it. I thought I knew what it felt like to watch a train screaming by at 100 miles an hour toward a broken bridge. That is exactly what this feels like. One thing that comes from struggle, from pain, from any battle is FAITH. 

Reminding myself tonight that my strength doesn’t come from within myself, it comes through my faith the the Father. My Hope that everything is going to be okay… in HIS time. All those years I spent wondering around in the dessert, I had no idea I was being trained for battle. Just when I thought I may be home free, all relaxed and ready to settle into the promises… I came across this wall called ePiLePsY. It’s huge, it can be deadly, doctors dont know how to take it down, no one knows why it is there, when it was put there

… but we DO know that the Father knows. Not only does He know, but He has the master plan for these precious Epilepsy Warrior Boys He has blessed us with. Now some people think faith is looking at a situation and expecting the Father to move fast and fix it. No, faith is putting the situation in His hands and trusting HIM to do with it as He wills. That is exactly what we intend to do…


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